Remaining firm despite the drama.

I tried very hard to find a word to replace "drama" in the title but nothing else aptly describes what happens once you make your decision of adoption known. And Indian families anyways always have a flair for making any situation dramatic, let alone an explosive situation like a potential cutting off of the family gene pool at your end.

So as we started making enquiries for the legal process of adoption, we had to start exploring various other aspects of the same.

Age and sex of the child: I am told that new born baby boys are high in demand in the Indian domestic adoption system. We thought over the issue and came to some conclusions.

• Age: We didn't want a new born baby mainly because being full time working professionals neither one of us really are a fan of the whole crying through the night and nappy changing routine. Also, eventually we were advised that sometimes new born babies are abandonend due to genetice defacts which don't materialise till they are a little older. by the time the child is atleast an year old all medical issues (due to maybe the birth mother's alchoholism or other addictions or other genetic reason) pertaining to their birth and abandonment have come to light. So we decided the child should be between 1-3 years old, cause then they young enough to make the adjustment a little easier.
• Sex: Since we didn't have any particular interest in a boy cause of the traditional thinking of continuing our family name, we decided on a girl child as we believed that girl children are abandoned more often then a boy as well face more situations of exploitation if left in the social care system for long. Also the fact that my husband has only one brother and no sister turned us towards wanting a girl child.

Fears: While you discuss it with family and friends most of the negative feedback comes due to certain fears we all have. Some which trew us a curve ball now and then were:

Informing the family: While adoption was a subjected discussed in my family as a matter of social cause it was not something that had happened in the family. I had been sending feelers out to them for the last decade or so, and the response was always of minor interest. I knew it was a topic they would be open to discuss. So when I broached this topic with my immediate family it was received with cautious optimisim. Overall, it was a very rational discussion except for a few emotional volleys from my mom. In the end I have been assured that any child of mine will be treated just like all other grandchildren at home.

However, for my husband's family it was a major issue. We were aware that in their frame of reference this was not only an unnecessary complication, but also hurtful to them, as they want to look at their own flesh and blood as a grandchild. The result to say the least was a huge emotional scene which didn't leave any participant the happier. After giving them a few weeks to cool off, we have currently let the matter rest with them and like all indian parents they are currently in denial. For reasons which cannot be disclosed, we  have decided to take it one day a time with them but are hopeful they will come around.

Medical history:

I think every adoptive parent goes through a time where they fear that their child's health care might be compromised if we don't know the child's medical history. What do you tell the doctor if he needs to know family medical history. To that end you have to do the best you can and try to get as much medical history as the orphange is able to provide you. You can do all kinds of tests before you accept a child but there’s no guarantee that in spite of all those tests that you get to adopt a healthy child. Best strategy one can follow is to be honest and make the best of what you can.

Child's background:

This one has been thrown to us so many times that by now I have instances ready where the biological children have been cruel to their own parents and a menace to society in general. No background of the child matters (except medical history) that would make him or her less loved to you. And if that is the case, adoption is certainly not for you.

Rejection by your child or of the child by society:

You are told that you will be in toruble if one day the child decides to go looking for birth parents and reject you. This fear is based on an assumption that the bond of a birth family is stronger than an adoptive family. In reality, many adoptees feel that the family that cared and loved them unconditionally is the family for them. Searching for a birth family is not a genetic predisposition but a ‘matter of curiosity’.

The second is the fear that the child will not be accepted by the society due to being adopted and will be discriminated against. My view of it is that their are all kinds of people in this world. They may discriminate on gender, caste, colour, race. It is like dealing with any other kind of discrimination - with grace and courage. Hiding the adoption factor does not help anyone. It will only hurt your child if they come to know from other sources. Its best to be matter of fact and open about it. It will go a long way in making it a "non Issue".

Other Volleys

Biological child makes you feel complete as a women:

The women in me gets offended by this statement at so many levels, it is not even funny. But somewhere I try to understand this well meaning comment.

For my mother perhaps it is about bonding with my father as she came into an arranged marriage. In her own words it brought her closer to my father. This assumes that an adoptive child will not envoke the same feelings in my husband and me to bond over her/him.

And while I do not mean to disregard all those feelings that a woman has while carrying a child it is insulting to assume that all those women who for whatever reason have not been able to have / or do not want a child are somehow incomplete women.

Why adopt when you are capable of biologically bearing a child:

This one first came my way, when we first approached an agency. This mainly because it is not our second child we are adopting, but first. They demanded to see my gyneacologist reports before they thought we had a legitimate reason to adopt. So being able to biologically conceive had somehow become an adverse thing in my quest to adoption. It took sometime for me to convince them that we wanted to adopt on principal and spiritual calling not cause we had no other choice.

So while the paperwork in front of you is daunting the other questions and issues bring down the momentum a bit. But in a good way they make you question your resolve againa and again that by the time you are through discussing this to death, you are more sure as a couple and as an individual that you have made the right choice.