The go ahead.

After a week of diligent follow up with the clinic we were given a go ahead to come and pick up the reports. I immediatly made plans to travel on the next weekday though my husband could not travel due to work. Silently praying that all will be well with the baby, I arrived in the city on Friday morning and checked into the guest house provided by the orphange.

At 10 AM sharp I landed at the orphange impatient to see the baby. He was up and about and surprisingly recognised me as well. Post which I went about collecting all the reports and scheduled a meeting with the doctor to discuss the same. By 5 PM that evening, the pediatrician gave us a go ahead for adoption as besides malnutrition the baby was perfectly healthy. I called my husband and then immediatly called the orphange to give a final go ahead.

The orphange had been prepared for the same and gave us a bit of good news. They had anticipated the results and got us a slot on Monday at the court house for Foster Care Agreement registration. they wondered if we would like to take him home by Monday evening. We were ecstatic. Yes, we said.

And then it stuck me, I will be a mother in a matter of days. For a moment I panicked. Would I be a good mother? What do I know about what a one and half year old child needs? We didnt even have any clothes for him. Or toys. Then my husband asked me to stop hyperventilating and rejoice. Our dream was finally coming true.

Amazing!

Doctor, doctor.

Once we conveyed our decision to the orphange every thing seemd to gear up at an amazing speed. We were told to get all medical tests done at the earliest so that they could proceed with the next steps.

The medical tests are primarily done by the adoptive parents to ensure that they are aware of any medical issues that the child might have before they give a final consent. We went to a local pediatrician whose reference was given to us by a friend. The pediatrician met us and gave us a list of tests we should get done before we make the final call. He also advised us to get an HIV test done though the orphange had provided us with a certificate of the previous test.

The thing about getting medical tests done can be morally quite tricky. Like the orphanage director told us "Would it be your biological child, would you not accept the child with all its medical complications?" While this sounds like a good ideal point of view, we are after all human. And you do want to adopt a more or less healthy child. My personal view also is that if we get into it with open eyes, we would be mentally prepared to deal with what comes out way.

It would also give us an opportunity to spend some time with the child and perhaps get to know him a little better. we were amost beginning to forget what he looked like. So we were looking forward to what ever time we could have with him. we picked the baby up along with an orphange caretaker and took him to a diagnostic clinic where most of the tests were to be done. He seemd quite curious and wonderstuck in the car watching the traffic. But we noted that he was exceptionally well behaved. Even at the clinic if you told him to lie still, he would lie still. If you told him to sit in one place, he did. Except for th time when his blood was being taken with a syringe he generally behave very well.

For us, it was out first opportunity to experience parental pain when we had to console him after his blood donation. By end of the day we were exhausted with the running from one department of the clinic to another and the baby was getting a bit cranky and hungry. While we were happy taht the day ended, we were a bit reluctant to drop him back at the orphange. My husband and I constantly kept telling ourselves not to get too attached but silently admitted to ourselves that it was too late to do so. We were hooked.

And now the wait for the tests began...

Our second visit to the Orphange

After working delegently on our paperwork, we decided to go back to the orphange to have more of a final chat on the papers we have submitted so far as well as to find out the next step in the process.

While we sat in the meeting room discusssing paperwork, we were asked how ready we were to take a child home. We said we were ready whenever. So the relooked at our application and asked us whether we had a reason for wanting a girl child only. We said that we wanted a girl child because we felt we would do a larger good by adopting a girl as boys in Indian society find homes much easier. Upon which they had a discussion with us and changed our application to a child of either sex since we would not say no to a male child should we like one.

Post which they suggested we meet a few children male / female who fell in  the age range we were looking for.

So we waited at the reception and they brought over first a boy. His age was around one and a half years and he appeared a little tiny for his age. Also, he had been woken up from his nap, I think, cause he seemed a bit sleepy and very quite. But unlike other children who are woken up from their naps he was not irritated. He just seemed very quite. We tried to talk to the child and he just looked at us with his big doe eyes. We spent about 15 mins with him, talking to him.He responded a little bit, even climbed into my lap, took an offered apple and then promptly went off to sleep in my lap.

The second child they brought over was a boy of aroound 11 months. He was much more healthier and definitly iritated about being woken up from his nap. This one was much more fair skinned and seemed more active. However, even after spending 15 mins with him we felt no connection with him whatsoever.

Then they brought over two girls. they were siblings aged 2 and 3 years. The two girls were as different as chalk and cheese in their temperament. While the younger one was very active, running aorund, talking. The older one was quiet and kept on looking at us with sad eyes. We were told that ideally the orphange did not want to separate them, hence, if we should decide on them, we should look at taking them both home. The girls really were adorable and having a soft spot for girls we seriously contemplating about taking them home.

On the way back we discussed the pros and cons of all the children we had met. And decided that we were not ready to be parents of two children at the same time yet. So we had to reluctantly give up the idea of the two girls. Also, the fact that girls had a much better adoption rate at this orphange helped us feel a little less guilty. Current status, the girls have been adopted by a nice family where the husband works in Airforce.

And somehow the first boy had had an instant connection with my husband and me. We both a little fearfully admitted that we had felt a connection with him. Fearfully because as adoptive parents you have to know that the process is long and you don't want to get too attached to a child before you are sure that the same child will land up with you. So we took a deep breath, had a good nights sleep and the next day decided we still felt the connection, and told the orphange that we would like to consider the possibility to adopting the first boy.

Surprising to us, as we kept on wondering how did a boy come in the place of a girl we had always imagined for ourselves. But then sometimes we have to let powers larger then your take a call. And in this matter specifically, we wanted to go as directed by the universe. We were still a bit perplexed by the change of plans, but we agreed that we wanted to see how this went further along.

Spirituality and Adoption

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience,

we are spiritual beings having a human experience."

The basis of our spirituality lies in the above quote.

Authors like Michael Newton and Dr.Brian Weiss who have documented their case studies of Past Life Regression tell you that often a soul travels through time and lifetimes with a close select of souls who are its companion. They can come in different relationships in different lifetimes, but you almost always have an instant connection / attraction / recognition of the others.

How many time has it happened that you have met people you have instantly had a rapport with? And it seemed like you have known them forever. You can read the two authors books and decide for yourself what you believe in.

For us our beliefs are:

• We as souls choose the families we want to be born in.
• We choose the people who will come in to our lives.

The reasons we believe, as souls we choose to travel with a group of souls if because we either have some unfinished Karma with them, or we need them to teach us our lessons. Spiritually our child has already chosen us to bring him / her up. And now we need to trust the process of the universe to bring us together.

If we had decided on natural conception, the same child would have come to us. By that logic if we are inclined towards adoption, the same child will come to us. Or on other hand the child might have chosen to be born in another family (to learn its own reasons or fulfill its own Karma) and hence we have had this inclination for adoption. Cause we are meant to be a family, either way.

This might sound a bit mystic to some people who are not at the same place in the spiritual journey as we are. But to us this is our truth.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other,
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother.
Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first one gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you talent, the other gave you aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.

And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question unanswered through the years,
Heredity or environment. Which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling, Neither.
Just two different kinds of love.

-- Author Unknown

First visit to the Orphanage

So far, we had this dream of a child we wanted to bring home and of becoming a parent. You have to some extent a romantic notion of what it would be like when you finally meet the children who are waiting for you. How you will fall in love with one and they in love with you.

But trust me nothing prepares you for your first visit. We landed up at the adoption centre to verify all documentation and their services. It is a small setup in a remote village with local people who do this noble work day in and out and are passionate about what they do. It touches your heart to see the joy on their faces when they talk about the children.

We spent sometime with the Orphanage director who also happens to be a friend and he shows us around and introduces us to the staff. There are various ways, he tells us, in which children come to this orphange.

• Orphans : Whose parents have died and no close relatives will claim them.

• Abandoned : This kids are generally abandonded in temples, in dumpsters, outside the orphange and their background is not known at all. Sometimes, they get calls, from people who finds a child buried in ground alive and though the orphange tries its best the child cannot be saved.

• Unwed mothers: These are children of mothers who have got pregnant either through sexual assault such as rape or became pregnant due to unprotected sex before marriage. These mothers come to the orphange for the period of their pregnancy as they have a program for unwed mothers which makes them self sufficient as well as look after them through their pregnancy. These mothers in the end give up their children for adoption and go on to start their lives afresh. The instances of unwed mothers was coming down drastically due to abortion pills being easily available now a days we were told.

Then he suggested if we would want to have a look at the nursery where the children were put up. We eagerly agreed. He took us to this big hall which has cribs lined up as well as toddlers playing on the floor. Some older children between 3-5 were also there who seeemed to look at us from beneath their eyes quietly. We stood there for a moment not knowing what is expected of us.

The director had told us that the children have to be told every time a visitor comes that they have just come to visit and not necessarily to take them home. To the younger children it doean't really matter. But for the older kids since they have seen other children leaving the orphange with parents it is a anxious experince.

We ventured into the hall and looked at the babies, since that is the easiest and the most tempting. Most of them looked clean and well looked after. There were some "Mausis" (caretakers) around who were looking after the children. A few toddlers grew curious and came to us. We also found some children who had major medical issues, who had been abndoned and they really had no future. It breaks your heart to see so many children who ideally should be loved and should be with a family, just hanging around there waiting to be taken home.

Also, at the same time, we were paralised because for a young upwardly mobile couple who has had their lives just the way we wanted it, this was a moment of realisation. We could be taking one of these kids home and become parents overnight. At that moment I appreciated the long process of child birth. You have nine months to psych yourself into being a parent. You have family around you which talks about what to do, what not to do. You prepare the nursery, buy toys and clothes. And here we were totally unprepared for such a big life changing moment.

When we left the orphange and drove back to Mumbai, I dont think we said much to each other. I think we both were in a bit of a shock.

Also, when we looked at the kid there was nothing like an instant connection, you think will be there. I have been told to some extent it is because the kids in orphanges don't look (appearence wise) the way kids look in our familes. Their hairs are cut so short that they don't need haircuts very often. The clothes they wear are the kind of clothes the orphanage can afford. Definitly no "Gini n Johny"or "Mother Care" there.

But mainly what spooked us for sometime was the fact that overnight we will have a young human being dependant on us for all his / her emtional and physical needs. My husband definitly realised the impact of it when he looked at the children. He looked so scared, I had to laugh.

It took us sometime to get back to normal and this time the whole thing was more real to us. We started to relate to the whole experience in real terms. That I think would happen to biological parents when they see the first sonograph.

After the visit we redoubled our effort in getting the paper work sorted out, and the orphanage file became a constant fixture on our centre table.

Adoption system and its response.

There are times when you look at the document list and almost despair but as you go through the list one by one, the reaction of the social care system was a bit of a revelation.

Take for instance the police verification report. Primarily it is a report which says you are of good character as a couple and have no court cases / police complaints against you. But their is only one office in Mumbai who accepts the application for this report. The CID office happened to be about 2 hours away from our home. So unless you are net savvy or have good contacts you will land up at the office and then be given a long list of documents they want, which will bring you back home and take you another few days to prepare.

For us, we managed to somehow get the number of the relevant department in the CID office after calling 10 different police information numbers. We managed to get the list of documents on the phone and prepared the same.

When i landed up at the CID office I realised that a form has to be filled hwich needed both my husband and my signature. So you come back get the signature and go back again. Then you realise that the line of form submission takes around 1 and half hour to clear. When you reach the window they look at you with surprise and a bit of awe.

"Dattak Ahe?" (for adoption?)

Haan.

"OK. You Shouldn't have waited, there is a special line for it."

Considering there were no other applicants on that day for it and there was no board there is no way of knowing.

Anyways, suddenly they are very nice and polite with you. They give you special treatment and tell you that we can approach our nearest police station at the earliest and tell them the verification is for Adoption and it will be fast tracked.

After two weeks of CID office meeting, we went to TWO police stations in our vicinity to find out about our application and we were told they haven't received any document from CID office!!! We will have to go back and find out what happened.

At that point we decided to concentrate on finishing other documents. And just a day before we planned to leave for the orphange to submit what ever documents we had, the bell rings and a cop is standing at your door asking if we had applied for a verification report. This is after one and a half month of application.

We welcome him in and he is very admirable of our intent to adopt. He is even more impressed that we are adopting from a far off Maharashtrian village (which incidentally is his village). He sat with us and talked to us about what a noble decision it is. And how fortunate the child will be. And we tell him, that we will be the fortunate ones when the child gets here.

Now, we have to go back to the CID office at some point and collect the report. Sigh! Like I said patience and determination will get us there.

Remaining firm despite the drama.

I tried very hard to find a word to replace "drama" in the title but nothing else aptly describes what happens once you make your decision of adoption known. And Indian families anyways always have a flair for making any situation dramatic, let alone an explosive situation like a potential cutting off of the family gene pool at your end.

So as we started making enquiries for the legal process of adoption, we had to start exploring various other aspects of the same.

Age and sex of the child: I am told that new born baby boys are high in demand in the Indian domestic adoption system. We thought over the issue and came to some conclusions.

• Age: We didn't want a new born baby mainly because being full time working professionals neither one of us really are a fan of the whole crying through the night and nappy changing routine. Also, eventually we were advised that sometimes new born babies are abandonend due to genetice defacts which don't materialise till they are a little older. by the time the child is atleast an year old all medical issues (due to maybe the birth mother's alchoholism or other addictions or other genetic reason) pertaining to their birth and abandonment have come to light. So we decided the child should be between 1-3 years old, cause then they young enough to make the adjustment a little easier.
• Sex: Since we didn't have any particular interest in a boy cause of the traditional thinking of continuing our family name, we decided on a girl child as we believed that girl children are abandoned more often then a boy as well face more situations of exploitation if left in the social care system for long. Also the fact that my husband has only one brother and no sister turned us towards wanting a girl child.

Fears: While you discuss it with family and friends most of the negative feedback comes due to certain fears we all have. Some which trew us a curve ball now and then were:

Informing the family: While adoption was a subjected discussed in my family as a matter of social cause it was not something that had happened in the family. I had been sending feelers out to them for the last decade or so, and the response was always of minor interest. I knew it was a topic they would be open to discuss. So when I broached this topic with my immediate family it was received with cautious optimisim. Overall, it was a very rational discussion except for a few emotional volleys from my mom. In the end I have been assured that any child of mine will be treated just like all other grandchildren at home.

However, for my husband's family it was a major issue. We were aware that in their frame of reference this was not only an unnecessary complication, but also hurtful to them, as they want to look at their own flesh and blood as a grandchild. The result to say the least was a huge emotional scene which didn't leave any participant the happier. After giving them a few weeks to cool off, we have currently let the matter rest with them and like all indian parents they are currently in denial. For reasons which cannot be disclosed, we  have decided to take it one day a time with them but are hopeful they will come around.

Medical history:

I think every adoptive parent goes through a time where they fear that their child's health care might be compromised if we don't know the child's medical history. What do you tell the doctor if he needs to know family medical history. To that end you have to do the best you can and try to get as much medical history as the orphange is able to provide you. You can do all kinds of tests before you accept a child but there’s no guarantee that in spite of all those tests that you get to adopt a healthy child. Best strategy one can follow is to be honest and make the best of what you can.

Child's background:

This one has been thrown to us so many times that by now I have instances ready where the biological children have been cruel to their own parents and a menace to society in general. No background of the child matters (except medical history) that would make him or her less loved to you. And if that is the case, adoption is certainly not for you.

Rejection by your child or of the child by society:

You are told that you will be in toruble if one day the child decides to go looking for birth parents and reject you. This fear is based on an assumption that the bond of a birth family is stronger than an adoptive family. In reality, many adoptees feel that the family that cared and loved them unconditionally is the family for them. Searching for a birth family is not a genetic predisposition but a ‘matter of curiosity’.

The second is the fear that the child will not be accepted by the society due to being adopted and will be discriminated against. My view of it is that their are all kinds of people in this world. They may discriminate on gender, caste, colour, race. It is like dealing with any other kind of discrimination - with grace and courage. Hiding the adoption factor does not help anyone. It will only hurt your child if they come to know from other sources. Its best to be matter of fact and open about it. It will go a long way in making it a "non Issue".

Other Volleys

Biological child makes you feel complete as a women:

The women in me gets offended by this statement at so many levels, it is not even funny. But somewhere I try to understand this well meaning comment.

For my mother perhaps it is about bonding with my father as she came into an arranged marriage. In her own words it brought her closer to my father. This assumes that an adoptive child will not envoke the same feelings in my husband and me to bond over her/him.

And while I do not mean to disregard all those feelings that a woman has while carrying a child it is insulting to assume that all those women who for whatever reason have not been able to have / or do not want a child are somehow incomplete women.

Why adopt when you are capable of biologically bearing a child:

This one first came my way, when we first approached an agency. This mainly because it is not our second child we are adopting, but first. They demanded to see my gyneacologist reports before they thought we had a legitimate reason to adopt. So being able to biologically conceive had somehow become an adverse thing in my quest to adoption. It took sometime for me to convince them that we wanted to adopt on principal and spiritual calling not cause we had no other choice.

So while the paperwork in front of you is daunting the other questions and issues bring down the momentum a bit. But in a good way they make you question your resolve againa and again that by the time you are through discussing this to death, you are more sure as a couple and as an individual that you have made the right choice.